Waiting for you (a PCOS update)

Things have been quiet around here on the blog and with photography. It is almost the end of year, and i am really feeling quite emotional.

When we first started trying to have a baby, we had hoped that we would have one by last Christmas, or at least be pregnant.. But that didn't happen. We then said to ourselves 'that's ok, next Christmas is a long time away, we will definitely be pregnant by then'...

It is now November, and i have found out that i am not ovulating. Christmas is almost here already...
I have ovulated once in the last year.
I am feeling a bit sad and crushed because i always had this is the back of my mind, that i had this time of year to fall back on as a definite time to get pregnant by. I know that sounds silly, but i needed to have a goal and something to work towards, so that when it didn't happen along the way i wouldn't be so disappointed.

In February we will have been married for two years. In March it will be two years since we have been trying to fall pregnant. Two years is so fast and slow at the same time... Waiting each month, and then being disappointed again...
At the moment i feel like such a failure as a wife. I really want to have a baby, and i don't feel like i am a proper woman at the moment, as my body isn't working how it should.

Because of PCOS, each month when my body is meant to release an egg, instead of releasing, it sticks to the ovary.. forming a cyst. One of those cysts grew to be 8x6cm big, and that is why i had surgery... 

Some days i feel really sad. I was shopping in town for Christmas presents, and saw a top that i would have definitely bought for my baby if i had one. It totally set me off and i felt sad all day and night. When i was at home that night i just cried and cried. 

It is really hard at the moment, but i can't see when it is going to get any easier. 

My heart is literally aching to hold my own baby, and i feel like my heart breaks a little more each time that i dream about one of my babies, and then wake up and feel and know that they are so far away from us! I know that our babies are waiting to come to us.. But i don't know how we are going to get them, or when. I am getting tired of waiting. It is a really hard thing emotionally. I never realised it before. It isn't just emotionally challenging for me, it is something that is a bit of a strain on our marriage, and we are fighting hard not to let it be. When we both want something so much, and it isn't happening, it is hard not to have it consume our thoughts constantly. I feel like all i am thinking lately is 'if we had a baby...' or 'when we have a baby'... 

I don't know how else to describe it other than it sucks. I feel like we are so prepared for a baby, in every way - emotionally, financially etc, but it still isn't happening. 

I guess that i just wanted to record how i am feeling at the moment, and where we are at in our fertility journey... This isn't a poor me post, it is just here in the hope that someday soon i can look back and realise how far we have come with it all.

I love having supportive friends and family around us, it makes it a little easier, but the next person to say 'don't think about it and you'll get pregnant' or 'as soon as you stop trying you will fall pregnant', is going to be in trouble. It doesn't really work like that with pcos. 

I'm really not sure what is next... but i really hope that it is a baby sometime soon... 

Insta-life {August}

August was still a bit of a quiet month with me still recovering from having surgery. I was still really sore and not up to doing much. I did only have surgery on the 24th July. The surgeon said it would take about six weeks to start to feel better again. I was still off work, so it was just a quiet month of taking it easy.

Left to right, from top to bottom. 

1. Gavin looked after me so well while i was in pain! Very grateful to have him. 

2. Little flowers from the garden. 

3. Being so sore was a good chance to catch up on some reading. 

4. James' first biscuit ;) 

5. Fresh orange juice. 

6. The only way to shop. 

7. Nana's fish pond. 

8. Spring starting to appear. 

9. So sore that i couldn't keep up with the mess in the kitchen. 

1. Cuddles with my nephew. 

2. Rasta Chey on his birthday. 

3. James having a cuddle with Asha in bed. 

4. James having a cuddle with Jory. 

5. Asha is getting so good at building lego on his own. 

6. At a dermatologist in Hobart looking for help for Gavin's eczema. 

7. Nandos. 

8. Cold rock ice cream. 

9. At our hotel. 

1. Me at Nandos. Feeling so sore and knocked around from surgery. 

2. Breakfast at the hotel. 

3. Cute bubba watching me pack his nursery for their move. 

4. Cutie pie! 

5. Just love him! 

6. Asha at city park. 

7. Jory & Asha at city park.

Insta-life {July}

I've been super slack with posting my Instagram photos lately, but i am catching up now :) i love these small snippets of our months. I'm @makayla_jack if you want to follow me. 

Left to right, from top to bottom

1. Gavin meeting James. 

2. I got a letter with a date for surgery! After over a year waiting. 

3. My new books for while i am off work for surgery. 

4. Picking olives for Grandad. 

5. Olives that we picked. 

6. Beautiful day at Grandad's. 

7. We picked about 15 buckets this big of olives. 

8. Family time. 

9. Jory's 11th birthday. 

1. James' first movie ;) We saw 'sex tape', so hilarious! 

2. Quick day trip to Hobart. 

3. Hobart warf. 

4. Asha at Hobart warf. 

5. Asha. 

6. Nandos. 

7. Waking up after surgery. 

8. So glad surgery is over! 

9. I can finally eat again after surgery! 

1. They had no 'get well soon' balloons, so Gavin brought me a 'happy birthday' balloon to the hospital. 

2. Came home from hospital to my bedroom full of balloons. 

3. A little box of sunshine from a sweet friend. 

4. Baby James came to visit me! <3 nbsp="" p="">

5. Recovery reading. 

6. So much pain during the night from surgery. (i got it sorted though). 

July was a pretty quiet month with me going to hospital to have surgery, but i am glad that it is over and i have recovered. The year is going too fast! :) 

Summer shack trip 2014

Just after Christmas Gavin and i decided to go and join my family at our shack in St Helens to spend New Years and a few days by the beach. We drove down on New Years Eve and arrived at tea time. Morgan and Alex arrived just before we did. 

our favourite road trip snack ^^

we bought Asha some buckets & spades for the beach and he was so excited to get to the beach and use them ^^

We unpacked and Morgan & Alex set up their tent and we decided to walk to the beach just as the sun was setting. 

The sky turned on a beautiful sunset for the last day of 2013! It went from yellow, to orange, to pink, to purple. It was beautiful! 

While we were at the bay admiring the sunset we saw a stingray in the shallow water. The boys were very excited. 

We rang in the new year on the deck, with glow sticks and doritos (in Morgan's dorito hat)! It was low key, but nice. I fell asleep on the couch before it was even midnight! ^^

We spent new years day at Binalong Bay, where it was absolutely perfect weather. It was so warm, and we had a great day, swimming and floating in the boats. Asha and i went for a walk to a different part of the beach to find some shells, and it was just stunning, so there are a heap of photos of Asha as i couldn't stop snapping away.

Can't wait for the weather to warm up so we can go back! ^^

This photo reminds me of our 2011 shack trip, Asha had only just turned one, and wore my hat that day too. It might be time for me to get a new hat?? ^^

Morgan & Alex. Morgan was a few weeks pregnant here. ^^

Unfortunately, the next day was pouring with rain so we didn't get to enjoy the beach before we headed home. We would have loved to have stayed longer, but had to get back to work.

Our family January, 2014 ^^  (this is definitely the start of a yearly photo tradition).. Asha was being a grump!

I can't wait to head down again this year and enjoy the beach and the nice weather! I am so sick of winter, and can't wait to feel warm again :)



*** Also - i have changed my blog address to be a .com address. The new address is www.makaylajack.com (but blogger is redirecting traffic from the old blogspot.com address still anyway. I wanted to change the blog address to be Jack, and thought it was a good time to change to a .com as well :)