Our first Christmas tree

This year is very exciting - we have our first Christmas tree! I put it on lay-by a few months ago, and we decided to put it up last weekend. A little early, but we couldn't wait! I made a little video of putting the tree up, there is a lot of camera shake though! Maybe i should stick to taking photos from now on? haha.

Waiting for you (a PCOS update)

Things have been quiet around here on the blog and with photography. It is almost the end of year, and i am really feeling quite emotional.

When we first started trying to have a baby, we had hoped that we would have one by last Christmas, or at least be pregnant.. But that didn't happen. We then said to ourselves 'that's ok, next Christmas is a long time away, we will definitely be pregnant by then'...

It is now November, and i have found out that i am not ovulating. Christmas is almost here already...
I have ovulated once in the last year.
I am feeling a bit sad and crushed because i always had this is the back of my mind, that i had this time of year to fall back on as a definite time to get pregnant by. I know that sounds silly, but i needed to have a goal and something to work towards, so that when it didn't happen along the way i wouldn't be so disappointed.

In February we will have been married for two years. In March it will be two years since we have been trying to fall pregnant. Two years is so fast and slow at the same time... Waiting each month, and then being disappointed again...
At the moment i feel like such a failure as a wife. I really want to have a baby, and i don't feel like i am a proper woman at the moment, as my body isn't working how it should.

Because of PCOS, each month when my body is meant to release an egg, instead of releasing, it sticks to the ovary.. forming a cyst. One of those cysts grew to be 8x6cm big, and that is why i had surgery... 

Some days i feel really sad. I was shopping in town for Christmas presents, and saw a top that i would have definitely bought for my baby if i had one. It totally set me off and i felt sad all day and night. When i was at home that night i just cried and cried. 

It is really hard at the moment, but i can't see when it is going to get any easier. 

My heart is literally aching to hold my own baby, and i feel like my heart breaks a little more each time that i dream about one of my babies, and then wake up and feel and know that they are so far away from us! I know that our babies are waiting to come to us.. But i don't know how we are going to get them, or when. I am getting tired of waiting. It is a really hard thing emotionally. I never realised it before. It isn't just emotionally challenging for me, it is something that is a bit of a strain on our marriage, and we are fighting hard not to let it be. When we both want something so much, and it isn't happening, it is hard not to have it consume our thoughts constantly. I feel like all i am thinking lately is 'if we had a baby...' or 'when we have a baby'... 

I don't know how else to describe it other than it sucks. I feel like we are so prepared for a baby, in every way - emotionally, financially etc, but it still isn't happening. 

I guess that i just wanted to record how i am feeling at the moment, and where we are at in our fertility journey... This isn't a poor me post, it is just here in the hope that someday soon i can look back and realise how far we have come with it all.

I love having supportive friends and family around us, it makes it a little easier, but the next person to say 'don't think about it and you'll get pregnant' or 'as soon as you stop trying you will fall pregnant', is going to be in trouble. It doesn't really work like that with pcos. 

I'm really not sure what is next... but i really hope that it is a baby sometime soon... 

Insta-life {August}

August was still a bit of a quiet month with me still recovering from having surgery. I was still really sore and not up to doing much. I did only have surgery on the 24th July. The surgeon said it would take about six weeks to start to feel better again. I was still off work, so it was just a quiet month of taking it easy.

Left to right, from top to bottom. 

1. Gavin looked after me so well while i was in pain! Very grateful to have him. 

2. Little flowers from the garden. 

3. Being so sore was a good chance to catch up on some reading. 

4. James' first biscuit ;) 

5. Fresh orange juice. 

6. The only way to shop. 

7. Nana's fish pond. 

8. Spring starting to appear. 

9. So sore that i couldn't keep up with the mess in the kitchen. 

1. Cuddles with my nephew. 

2. Rasta Chey on his birthday. 

3. James having a cuddle with Asha in bed. 

4. James having a cuddle with Jory. 

5. Asha is getting so good at building lego on his own. 

6. At a dermatologist in Hobart looking for help for Gavin's eczema. 

7. Nandos. 

8. Cold rock ice cream. 

9. At our hotel. 

1. Me at Nandos. Feeling so sore and knocked around from surgery. 

2. Breakfast at the hotel. 

3. Cute bubba watching me pack his nursery for their move. 

4. Cutie pie! 

5. Just love him! 

6. Asha at city park. 

7. Jory & Asha at city park.