When we first started trying to have a baby, we had hoped that we would have one by last Christmas, or at least be pregnant.. But that didn't happen. We then said to ourselves 'that's ok, next Christmas is a long time away, we will definitely be pregnant by then'...
It is now November, and i have found out that i am not ovulating. Christmas is almost here already...
I have ovulated once in the last year.
I am feeling a bit sad and crushed because i always had this is the back of my mind, that i had this time of year to fall back on as a definite time to get pregnant by. I know that sounds silly, but i needed to have a goal and something to work towards, so that when it didn't happen along the way i wouldn't be so disappointed.
In February we will have been married for two years. In March it will be two years since we have been trying to fall pregnant. Two years is so fast and slow at the same time... Waiting each month, and then being disappointed again...
At the moment i feel like such a failure as a wife. I really want to have a baby, and i don't feel like i am a proper woman at the moment, as my body isn't working how it should.
Because of PCOS, each month when my body is meant to release an egg, instead of releasing, it sticks to the ovary.. forming a cyst. One of those cysts grew to be 8x6cm big, and that is why i had surgery...
Some days i feel really sad. I was shopping in town for Christmas presents, and saw a top that i would have definitely bought for my baby if i had one. It totally set me off and i felt sad all day and night. When i was at home that night i just cried and cried.
It is really hard at the moment, but i can't see when it is going to get any easier.
My heart is literally aching to hold my own baby, and i feel like my heart breaks a little more each time that i dream about one of my babies, and then wake up and feel and know that they are so far away from us! I know that our babies are waiting to come to us.. But i don't know how we are going to get them, or when. I am getting tired of waiting. It is a really hard thing emotionally. I never realised it before. It isn't just emotionally challenging for me, it is something that is a bit of a strain on our marriage, and we are fighting hard not to let it be. When we both want something so much, and it isn't happening, it is hard not to have it consume our thoughts constantly. I feel like all i am thinking lately is 'if we had a baby...' or 'when we have a baby'...
I don't know how else to describe it other than it sucks. I feel like we are so prepared for a baby, in every way - emotionally, financially etc, but it still isn't happening.
I love having supportive friends and family around us, it makes it a little easier, but the next person to say 'don't think about it and you'll get pregnant' or 'as soon as you stop trying you will fall pregnant', is going to be in trouble. It doesn't really work like that with pcos.
I'm really not sure what is next... but i really hope that it is a baby sometime soon...
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I am feeling your heartbreak at the moment. Have you considered serophene or letrozole? They are the only thing that works for me to induce ovulation (I don't have PCOS, just "unexplained infertility"). We are very blessed to have a 2.5yo that took us a long time to conceive but I would love more than anything for her to have a sibling and serophene has failed for me this time. Keep on hoping, and I agree with you - the next person who says "it will happen when you relax" I'm probably going to punch in the face.
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